In Scotland, we stop doing the accent when you guys aren’t around.
You Might Also Like
My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
HER: deeper
ME: I can’t do it captain, the thrusters are already at full power
HER: get off me
“Why does the Gingerbread Man have super speed? It doesn’t make sense.”
“Dessert goes pretty fast.”
“Please shut up.”
Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
Did you ever ask your parents what went wrong, people named Lasagna?
Just used a stiletto heel to open an Amazon package.
Next up – that impossible to reach, itchy spot in the middle of my back.
Sorry I was staring at your nachos while you were talking about your painful divorce
Guy stole my identity this week and I’m like I HAVE A FAMILY YOU HAVE TO TAKE THEM TOO
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Not to brag, but it’s not even Halloween and I’ve already started my Christmas weight-gaining.
“I’m shaving off the beard tomorrow” I loudly announce so that anything living in there has time to evacuate
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
bank robber: OK EVERYBODY GET DOWN!
[dave starts doing the electric slide]
robber: damn it Dave, not you, go fetch the money
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”
911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?
“AAAH he ripped my arm off”
911: Which one did, sir
Conan: The US is on pace 2 b the world’s largest producer of oil. So if history has taught us anything, the US will soon be invading the US.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
Two blondes walk into a building… you’d think at least one of them would have seen it.
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
OMG THIS IS SUCH A SURPRISE THE THOUGHT OF WINNING AFTER A NOMINATION IS A PHENOMENA THAT BLOWS MY MIND HOW DID IT HAPPEN
– All Emmy winners
Just heard a little boy call his mom “mother,” as if both had already accepted the fact that he’d become a serial killer some day.
Get in loser we’re going crying
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
Is a fake boyfriend a placebeau?
Just send him 60 texts explaining how you understand he needs his alone time.
Bologna is spelled like its being shouted by an alcoholic.