So I hear you like bad gals? What if I told you I left work three minutes early today?
You Might Also Like
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
I told my wife Netflix is voice enabled and listening to her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the TV is maybe the greatest thing ever.
him: I love animals, especially dogs
me: *I could really like him*
him: birds too
me: *he’s dead to me*
Whenever I’m about to give a speech in front of an audience, I imagine myself naked.
Wait, what
The shopkeeper in my local store is such a nice guy and he often offers candy for my kids. I’ve resisted so far but if he throws in a quart of vodka too he has himself a deal.
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
If you eat tuna fish, & then you eat cake, you need to get a new fork. Trust me. 🤢
*Ok, don’t let them know you’re a dog*
Him: The job is yours. Here’s the keys to your new office. [tosses keys]
*catches keys in my mouth*
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.
If nothing else, the iOS7 update has proved it’s usefulness by automatically adding the little accent mark to the word jalapeño for me.
I kept my whole house clean for three days. But then I felt like my kids had been locked in that closet long enough.
[Shark Tank]
an armadillo clock that rolls away so you gotta get up to turn off the alarm
Sounds dum-
It’s called the Alarmadillo
OMG SOLD
*knocks on door*
You’re too fat.
“Wha–”
You’re way too dumb.
“Wait–who..”
Hi, I’m Roy. I sell insecurity systems. You’re too poor for one.
Me, pointing at your baby: Hey, your potato just barked at me
Me: oil change plz
Toyota: it’ll be $39
Me: cool heres my $2 off coupon4 hrs later
T: ur steering wheel fell off total is $2900 sign here
You know it’s time for a pedicure when you can exfoliate one foot with the other one
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
this pandemic has been really hard on those of us who are hotter in person
everything in the world’s horrible now not like the good old days of black plague, holocaust, atomic bombs, holodomor, khmer rouge, crusades
*at a pizza buffet in the Midwest*
Me: excuse me, can you please make a vegetarian pizza?
Him: Sure! What kind of meat do you want on that?
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
I’m a math truther now. Infinity is a lie. Numbers stop at 39.
Juliet: and, if you forget my fries, don’t bother climbing back up
Still thinking about a student I had years ago who asked if a paper was due at 4pm or 4am
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.