How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
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[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]
JUDGE: You’re going to a maximum-security prison.
ME: Good, that makes me feel safe.
[at pet store]
Im looking for something cheap and will get people to stop coming over.
I don’t need a partner in crime, I got this shit.
I may however need an alibi.
I was eating BBQ ribs and my waitress asked me if I wanted a wet nap…
…I told her it wasn’t necessary because I had one earlier today.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
Yesterday I was feeling off but today I knocked over a small pitcher of soy milk in a diner trying to check my reflection because a really hot girl walked by so I guess I’m back
My neck, my back, my…
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I have a hard time telling the difference between 21 Dragons and Imagine Pilots.
My turd eating dog just spit out something I cooked if anyone wants to come to dinner.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
Make people question sincerity by adding quotations to your cards:
“Thank You”
Get well “soon”
“Congratulations” on the “baby”
Me: shouldn’t ocean now be spelled oCean?
Climatologist: that’s not what rising sea level means
Rules for rap battling Eminem:
1. Do not let Eminem go first.
2. Do not let Eminem go second.
Age 10: I want to be a baseball player
Age 20: I want to be a writer
Age 30: I want to be happy
Age 40: I want my toilet to flush
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
yall want some gasoline milk
my daughter just dyed her hair turquoise and apparently has no idea that she’s subjected herself to months of me asking if she’s still feeling blue
Confused owl: What?!
You ever think someone is breaking into your house and then realize oh, it’s just the clothes in the washer I started 5 minutes ago.
Lions do NOT share. If you try to give them half a hoagie, they will take it, plus your half, plus your arm, plus I am inside a lion.
Crush: what are u doing
Me: laying in bed listening to music
Crush: nice what kind
Me: it’s memory foam
Crush: no like who’s your favorite artist
Me: Picasso
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
“?leef uoy ekam taht did woh dnA”
– reverse psychology
Just caught a glimpse of myself naked –
Apologies in advance to my coroner