Party Tip:
At a 3-year-old’s birthday party, you can piss all over the bathroom. ALL OVER!!!! Nobody will suspect you.
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set yourself free xox
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
Annual reminder that Valentine’s Day was a scam invented by Goodyear to sell all the heart-shaped tires their factory made by mistake
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Daughter:What’s a whore?
Me:Not now.
Daughter I’ll ask my aunt.
Me:You’re getting warm.
Daughter:Mom will know.
Me: You’re on fire!
I like my coffee like I like my men
Sliding off the roof of my car as I drive away
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
Generation gap…
*camping*
Son, “What’s the wifi password?”
Me, “We’re communing with nature, get off your phone.”
Son, “Does communing have two m’s or one?”
Me: You said everything in here was edible
Willy Wonka: Yes, but-
Me: *takes another bite of Oompa Loompa* Tastes like a circus peanut
My dad is a legend at hide and seek. One time I needed mom’s help to find him. He was hiding at a motel with a strange lady.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
[vet office]
ME: *puts cat on counter* He’s sick
VET: How so?
ME: Look
*cat’s arranging magazines & gently tosses empty cup in garbage*
🛁
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
Everyone buries their problems in different ways.
I bury them alive because killing people is wrong.
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter
I have a Polish friend who is a roadie for a band.
I have a Czech one too. A Czech one too. Czech one too.
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
There are 2 wolves inside me and they’re both eating tacos
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
Bikini season is right around the corner…But so is Chipotle
Practice self-care like a star, be lonely and distant & allow nothing to survive on your surface.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
There is no amount of money I wouldn’t pay for a remote control that could walk itself over to me from the other side of the room.
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
When a cop gives you a ticket for speeding he won’t be impressed when you tell him “I do this all the time.”
I know this now.