They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
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*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
The Three Hole Punch either sounds like an awesome karate move or an awful bedroom experience.
Boss: Are you high?
Me: If I was high could I do this?
*teleports two inches to the right*
3-year-old is weeping because my husband hurt her feelings. Turns out he told her she can’t eat heaping spoonfuls of butter. Incredibly hurtful.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
Wore a push up bra to work today and now I can’t see my keyboard.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
Hello 911?
Yeah, my wife accidentally fell off a cruise ship 3 months ago
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
I remember when it was just limbo dancers asking “how low can you go?”, now it seems like everyone in the news wants to answer that.
My son just demanded to be changed into different pajamas for breakfast.
Thanks, royal baby.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Welcome to parenting, your kids will never want to speak to you until you’re on the phone speaking to someone else.
Me: How was my snoring last night?
Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT
My 7yo was on FaceTime with her bestie before dinner tonight, and kept muting the mic unless she was talking because I’m “embarrassing” so I’ve got that going for me.
i’m the guy who made the vaccine cards slightly bigger than wallet sized
boss: can i see you in my office
me: [sheathing sword] why
Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
If science is so great why do we only have one vegetable on the cob
[candy store]
ME: I’d like to return this Tic Tac.
CLERK: It looks partially eaten.
ME: It’s still in…
CLERK: Don’t
ME: …mint condition.
A customer service employee on the phone just told me they can’t get me an appointment for the same day as the appointment they canceled, but as a courtesy, they won’t CHARGE ME DOUBLE.
We had a detangler brush when I was younger, it was called scissors.
old timey fellow: i say have you addressed your pants falling down problem?
inventor of suspenders: indeed good sir i’ve hung them from my shoulders.
UBER: Oh, we’re halfway there
ME: Ok, good
U: Oh oh, we’re living on a prayer
M: What?
U: *driving off cliff* Take my hand
M: Oh god
“Forgive me, I’m a terrible flort”
“Don’t you mean flirt?”
*starts florting*
“OMFG. WTF is that?!”
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep