My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard, but they stay for the intelligent discourse about Benghazi
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My little sister is bringing her black boyfriend to my grandparents’ house for Thanksgiving so I’m bringing popcorn and a comfortable chair.
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
At first I was disappointed that the prize for completing my “fair food punch card” was a giant bucket, but it turns out I needed it
I’m not sure what a Doja Cat is but sadly I’ve learned it’s not a place for your cats to practice their karate moves
Plant care tips
My favorite romance novels begin with “Preheat oven to 350 degrees”
We haven’t seen the full damage this epidemic will cause, that will happen in about five to seven months with all of the gender reveal parties.
It’s the cat’s birthday today, so we made sure to do some of his favourite things, like birdwatching, eating my houseplants, and shooting a few rounds of pool.
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
I feel like I’m getting dumber. Like, my memory sucks, and I feel like I’m using half my brain. So I googled it, and it sounds like “brain fog.” There are simple steps to help relieve it. Diet, exercise, plenty of sleep. So what I’m saying is, I’m probably gonna get dumber.
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
*at confessional
Priest: ‘Wait. Didn’t I forgive you for that last week?’
Me: ‘Please don’t make this any harder than it has to be.’
My cat knocked my phone into the toilet so now I have to shop for a new cat.
Cop 1: There’s been another murder
Cop 2: I think I see a pattern emerging
Cop 1: Please. Put your knitting down and focus
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure
I’ll bet you I can make this chicken fly
“You’re on”
*puts sunglasses and Weezer t-shirt on chicken*
*squirts Axe body spray*
Pay up
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
y’all make fun of men without bed frames but guess who physically can’t have monsters under the bed now, huh?
Never eat the free guacamole at a sushi restaurant. It’s always waaay too spicy and doesn’t taste anything like avocados.
“It’s beautiful today. Let’s work outside.”
*5 mins later*
“This was a terrible idea.”
*more bees disrupt the open heart surgery*
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe
[my deathbed]
Kid: Mom where are my shoes?
Marvellous mathematical takedown of a Motivational Poster
Is this a threat?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!