Everyone else: hold my beer
Me: *chugs beer* alright, let’s do this shit
You Might Also Like
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
Making fun of someone’s age is like mocking them for getting hit by a train because you’re standing a little further down the tracks.
USA is broken. Can we use USB now? 🤔
In an attempt to be a fun summer mom (I don’t think it’s working), I bought the kids kits for sewing their own stuffies. My son is (I am) sewing a penguin. My daughter is (I am) sewing a llama. Everything is going well (it’s a hot mess and we never want to sew again).
A mongoose is just a goose who listens to reggae
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
the day my uncle Dan played his final game of “I got your nose”
me and who
If Dracula bit my neck, KFC gravy would just come out
Your loss, middle school cheerleading squad. Turns out I’m really good at yelling at people.
My kid, 6: What’s the biggest structure a civil engineer has made?
Also my kid: Which way does the L go?
Spice up your meltdown through interpretive dance.
“p” in my name stands for patience and that’s why it’s not there
My kid just said good nightmare instead of goodnight, so no, I will not be sleeping this evening.
Merlot; what Princess Ariel drinks when she’s depressed.
#lunchpun
I worry for women who get whisked off without warning on magical journeys. Like, girl, grab some tampons. They don’t have those in Narnia.
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
I don’t think anyone here is a serial killer because you have to be really self motivated and it’s like we all just eat snacks and take naps
I’m going to need a moment here.
Survival Tip:
If confronted by a dinosaur while hiking, politely but firmly explain that it is extinct.
My husband annoyed me last night so I adjusted the toaster settings slightly this morning.
I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy
Shortly before lockdown I sold a cordless vacuum cleaner to someone and didn’t, I repeat didn’t, say to him as I handed it over, well it was just gathering dust.
I now have to live with this missed opportunity.
Her: How often do you think about the Roman Empire
Me: Almost never.
Her: Oh that’s a relief.
Me: (goes back to thinking about the Romulan Empire)
Customer Service: “Would you take a minute to fill out this survey?”
Me: “Wouldn’t you rather save that for someone you actually helped?”
If you are looking for a relationship without all the baggage I suggest a layover.
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast