Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
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Dad: What is taking him so long to get me that crow bar?
Me: *Applying for a liquor license* Yes I’m serious, it’s just for crows.
I’m sick and tired of being the only person who cooks, cleans, and pays all the damn bills in this house.
I live alone, but still.
Thank God I wasn’t on twitter when I was in college. It would’ve taken me 65 years to get my degree.
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
[during sex]
HER: can you turn off the light
ME: I thought you liked my mining helmet
[end of a date]
her: we should have dinner again
me: thanks but I’m full
Never thought I’d have to know a guy who knows a guy to buy toilet paper.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
“Dad, can you explain the eclipse to me?”
“No sun.”
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
friend: how’s the amazon job?
me: can’t complain
friend: what’s with the beeping collar?
me: *tearing up* can’t complain
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
My wife: am I beautiful?
Me [hella smooth]: yeah, you look like a little cat
Are you turned on?
Switch I might be!
me: *googling* am I dying
web md: nope just sad
me: oh good
web md: and extremely melodramatic tbh
me: that’s fair
web md: and I think your anxiety would be more manageable if you got a job and paid rent
me: *shouting from the basement* mom did you hack my computer again
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
*gets dragged out of daycare* DON’T LISTEN TO THEM! IT’S NOT A CHOO-CHOO! IT’S A SPOON!! IT’S STRAINED CARROTS IN A SPOO
[Stranded after plane crash]
Me: We need to choose which one of us to eat firstHim: omg this is cray cray
Me: ok that was easy
A shock collar, but for that person who drags out work meetings with stupid questions and comments.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
[post sex interview]
reporter: what went wrong out there
me: well, i shouldn’t have yelled “holy moly” when i came
If you’re not supposed to abuse cough syrup then why does it come with a little plastic shot glass?
grandma: more potatoes?
me: sure
*3 hours later*
grandma: *wiping sweat from her brow* more potatoes?
me: *locking eyes* sure
Me, reading some of your tweets
Me googling: why do chickens get to run around with no head but humans don’t?
Google response: Why Am I Single Quiz – Take This Quiz To Find Out
Oh, you asked if I had a perfect BEACH body. Now I see why you were confused when I said “Yes, I’m round, ripe & covered in fuzz.”
Sex so good your binoculars fog up.