Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
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If you gotta turn on the oven for nachos you might as well make a cake too. It’s in the bible, I think.
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
Who died and made you king? Oh the king before you died. Well that makes sen- Oh he was your father. Well then I’m very sorry for your loss.
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
Made a joke in the checkout and the woman called me a rascal. Been high on that all day. I’m a RASCAL. Need to buy a whole new rascal wardrobe
“Omelet you finish,” -Kanyegg West
You said clothes were 50% off
But not one woman in here is topless
That false advertising!
Today my toddler whipped out the word “narc” so maybe it’s time to revisit the parental controls on our YouTube account
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
Welcome to the dark side.
We have….Well, we can’t see what we have. It’s dark.
Just got to our Airbnb!
My husband says none of my metaphors make any sense. He is just an empty canoe in the snow.
Billion dollar idea: Meth with Flouride
OMG YOU SHOULD DO A CARTWHEEL RIGHT NOW
– alcohol
THE INVENTOR OF CRYING: what if I told you that there was something you could do at both weddings and funerals
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
He told her that trees blossom in her presence. What he meant was that she scares the sap back up into them.
[inventing the pelican]
god: ok so we ran out of beaks but i found this traffic cone
The ketchup bottle always teaches you new ways it can destroy your shirt.
[2025]
Me: *tapping out Morse code on wall shared with neighbor* Man, I miss 2020.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
[planning vacation]
Alexa, show me extradition treaties
Instagram dude: If you’re like me, and are OBSESSED with French food when it gets cold out…
Every other person alive: Wut?
Just heard the UPS guy drop packages on my porch and say “there you go” to my dogs so that’s why they always think my packages are for them
Little kids only want to be independent when you’re running late.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.