I’m not saying boys make things harder and messier than girls but I watched my son make a root beer float last night pouring the root beer in first so I’m not not saying it.
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
Thief: Did u see me rob this bank?
Teller: well, yes!*Teller shot in the head*
Thief: DID U SEE ME ROB THIS BANK?
Me: No. But my wife did!
I hate when my boss wants to talk politics and asks me things like why isn’t your report done and why are you always late?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….Maybe just one…
[dinner w/friends]
“How long you two been married?”
It’s been thirt- (wife shaking head)
teenish twenty- (still shaking)
for a long time.
*Negative people trying to ruin my mood
*Me
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
may your fathers prosper. may your friends be uglier than you. may your exes get food poisoning
I’m so proud of two weeks ago me for anticipating I would want a ripe avocado today
Hubs: Kids are still asleep! Know what that means?
Me: We have to be quick!
*Runs to the hidden box of Cocoa Puffs and pours 2 big bowls*
Preowned Jaguar for sale. Beloved family member, excellent shape. Wife forced me to put her up for sale after she (the jaguar) ate the kids.
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
Let’s not buy them two of all the same toys we said.
It’ll teach them to share, we said.
We are idiots.
Being married means never having to say you’re angry. You can clearly articulate it just by the way you breathe.
When I go to alcoholics anonymous my fitbit registers 12 steps.
My kid’s teacher asked me to text her if we were going to be late and I was like it’ll be a lot easier if we text you when we’re going to be on time
Art by Pastelkatto
[Movie Theater]
Me: This Icee will last me the whole movie.
Me, immediately after previews: Ok so about that.
*after 7 hours in a Chinese restaurant*
Me to waiter: “Actually, do you think I could have a fork?”
Password: 1 upper case letter, 1 lower case letter, 1 stair case, 1 briefcase, 1 in case of emergency, 2 cases of beer, and 1 quesadilla.
Business plan :
1. hold sign that says “free hugs”2. Whisper during the hug, “it’s $50 to let go”
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.