don’t wanna end this year on bad terms with anyone so if you have beef with me, die
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blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
You know you’re on drugs when you’re talking to your kids about drugs and you don’t have any kids.
Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…
Cut off from the world.
Stephen King & Pixar present:
“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
“You looked stressed”
Me: “Thanks, it’s probably all the stress”
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
ME: [googling Why Do I Have A Migraine?]
GOOGLE: You need caffeine. You drink too much caffeine. You need sleep. You sleep too much. You need to eat. Food can cause migraines. The weather changed & you should’ve figured out how to control that. You need to go back in time and-
Age is just a number until your 10yrs younger husband says “your hair today makes you look like Uncle Jesse’s girlfriend” and you think he meant from Dukes of Hazzard but he meant Full House and needless to say he’s now your ex-husband
TOP 5 PAINFUL THINGS:
5: relationship breakup
4. going to prison
3. disease diagnosis
2. death of a loved one
1.
It’s so easy getting women wet, it’s refilling my bucket back up with water quickly enough I find challenging.
Husband: Let’s role play.
Me: Okay.
H: Pretend you’re our cleaning lady.
Me: I quit.
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
Every morning when I leave the house, I’m run over by the same kid on a bike.
It’s a vicious cycle.
men invented arm wrestling so they could hold hands and look in each other’s eyes
Nothing like sitting on a chair at your kid’s school to inspire you to never eat cookies again.
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish.
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
When you’re totalitarian but still want people to have choices…
What’s good for the Michigoose is good for the Michigander
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
I like to picture my mom in the middle of the crowd at a Wu Tang concert, hands on her hips, just shouting grammar corrections back at them
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
Me: What kind of stupid phone you got there?
Him: Windows phone
Me: Oh [takes it and lobs it out the window] Yes it is
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
only baby boomers will get this:
*pension*
How many court cases have been thrown out because the judge needs a unanimous decision & the jury is made up entirely of dentists
“I don’t see color.”
-dogs
Please don’t feel you need to explain your opinions to idiots. We do not care what you think.