Therapist: You’re not really improving
Me: What if we pressed down on my foot and forehead at the same time and did a factory reset?
Therapist:
Me:
Therapist: well it’s worth a try
You Might Also Like
2017: It can’t get worse than this
DAY ONE, 2018: A YouTube star filmed a dead body for entertainment
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
First day of summer vacation so I told my kids to propose a daily chore list and a fair compensation system and long story short, I just got home from work and I guess I already owe them $725 and a trip to Disneyland.
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Amazon.
“Why’s it take 9 months?”
Shipping. Go to sleep.
yall want some gasoline milk
Forget roses, lay her down on a bed of cheeseburgers.
HER: Take a shower with me. 😊
ME: Haha no, I always hog the hot water and you’ll get upset.
HER: Please. 😊[5 minutes later]
HER: I’m so cold…
ME: *mouth around the shower nozzle* GLUG GLUG GLUG
In a few years, when the kids leave home, the wife & I are planning to downsize to a smaller house. She’s told me I’ll need to significantly reduce my vinyl collection – so I’ve started buying up cheap records I don’t want so I can “sacrifice” them when the time comes.
I peel my underwear off as you watch me & then hand it to you,
Smiling
You know what’s coming next..
It’s your turn to do the laundry
This flight attendant literally just finished going over safety protocols and said “thank you to those who listened, and good luck to those of you who didn’t. Truly, good luck.” Lmfaooooo
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
I carry deodorant in my purse in case I need it or to casually wipe on strangers.
I lost my cool when I had to click on a heart three times before it would stick.
I’d probably make a lousy paramedic.
what if we kissed on the garfield couch
Just pulled a spoon out of the leg of my toddler’s footie jammies and am comforted to know she’ll do well in prison.
“I usually don’t do this on the first date,” I say, pushing two lobsters together and making sex noises
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
My washer and dryer finished at the same time, but I think my dryer faked it.
My husband just asked the neighbor where he can get a grill like his for our toddler to practice on and now I know how dad’s feud
Missed Connection: You were dangling from a cliff. I was scrambling for my cell phone. You fell before I could take a picture.
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
This made me chuckle cuz mood
You know you’re getting old when you’re watching the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles and wondering if they get enough vitamin D.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom