Me *tearing up as my bride walks down the aisle on our wedding day*
Priest:
Me:
Priest: Look she might come back
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I hate that, you go to someone’s wedding and they’re asking “who invited you” my friend focus on your union and let me eat in peace
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
You can even hide a dead body in Terms & Conditions, No one will ever know.
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
I am determined to save money. I don’t care what it takes: making coffee at home, lowering the thermostat, purchasing $200 of stuff I don’t need to qualify for free shipping. Whatever it takes.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
My confessional is just a list of things I’m willing to do for cheese
*KNOCK KNOCK* OPEN UP ITS THE POLICE
“What do you want?”
YOU’RE UNDER ARRES-
“No.”
..NO??
“No, I don’t want to be.”
*whispers* Shit now what
Someone once told me that I might have ADD, so I decided to look into it. After 5 minutes of research I found out that all the pandas in the world are on loan from China.
Everyone has that psycho ex we pray we’ll never run into again. If you don’t you’re probably it.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Assert your dominance by putting a few decorative pillows in your husband’s truck.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
My husband has officially reached peak dad status.
Driving through Sequoia National Park and he turned the radio off so everyone could see.
Accidentally told the dog she’s my favorite in front of my kids again
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
*gets a paper cut opening a bill*
Ah, yes, capitalism.
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Tried using a time machine to go back to my wedding day & talk some sense into a much younger me, but I got the date wrong.
He walked across the parking area explaining, “I’m going through a lot”
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
A second date is probably not likely if your date pulls out and clutches a crucifix when you enter the room.
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
[about to go in for emergency surgery]
ME: *slips surgeon a $20* what if you were to give me wings like a giant bird?