I bet they all call me paranoid behind my back?!
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The most elusive of all creatures is the camo camo camo camo camo chameleon
I eat my corn on the cob like an old-school typewriter. This is how the 80’s cartoons taught me to do it as a kid.
Good night cop: Want the light on or off? Sweet dreams kiddo.
Bad night cop: You will go to sleep or I will put you to sleep.
Humans have 46 chromosomes, peas 6 and crayfish 200. You’re clearly not that complicated.
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
Life was once a string of awkward silences but then I got a kazoo
[Vaccination center]
Me: *slaps $20 bill down* I would like one immunity please
I saw an Indian asleep on the train, noticed the little red dot on his forehead, and thought, “Is he on standby?”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
dad: *holds up condoms* what are these
son: …
dad: *pulls out matches* you’re gonna smoke every last one
I’m freakin’ tired of wrapping these sheep around my neck
– The inventor of the scarf
Next time someone asks you how you slept,
close your eyes & say “like this” & just stay that way for like 8 hours!!!
Just burnt 2,000 calories…
That’ll be the last time I bake a pizza while I’m asleep!
I do my best parenting lying down (allowing my kids to sleep in the bed with me so they don’t come in and wake me up at 5 am)
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
waitress: and for you?
me: egg
waitress: what does that mean sweetie, can you be more specific
me, carefully cupping my hands into a small oval shape: egg
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
left my toddler unsupervised with a bottle of glitter glue
I’ve been buying men’s hoodies for years for myself. It’s all about skipping the middle man.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
[guy who’s about to invent politics]
*getting along with everyone* this just won’t do
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
I went upstairs to grab my charger I brushed my hair, picked up some dirty clothes, changed my sons diaper, put on deodorant, came back downstairs, vacuumed the entire first floor & picked up some toys. I just sat down to plug in my phone & realized I never grabbed the charger.
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
my fav colour is also hitler
Bad joke of the day:
Did you hear about the population of Ireland?
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It’s Dublin.
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?