Me: Did u get a haircut
Dad’s brain:
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say it
don’t say itDad: No I got ’em all cut
You Might Also Like
I read a description of my personality and it warned that I should be careful not to let myself fall into “hermit mode” and I’m like hermit mode sounds awesome how do I unlock hermit mode
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
i do believe that bears are dangerous and anyone who thinks they can get close to one is very stupid. but i also think i am different and the bear would sense my loving spirit
*inventing the mirror*
“People don’t have enough to worry about.”
A few dozen cupcakes tripped and fell into my mouth against my will.
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Just found seven Easter eggs while putting up Halloween decorations.
Before we get too excited about rising follower counts, it’s good to remember that people also stop to look at accidents.
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
Once a 7-year-old said he’d come at me “with the fury of 1,000 angry geese” during a game of tag & I never felt more threatened in my life
[blind date]
Her: so what do you do for fu..
Me: I’M 34 IF YOU DON’T FALL IN LOVE WITH ME I’M STATISTICALLY UNLIKELY TO EVER FIND A MATE
It’s like the pottery scene from Ghost, except it’s you, standing behind me, helping me use a Tide Pen on my food stains.
In the future:
“So Zionists tried to take a people’s home and said god gave it to them.”
“So what happened?”
“Apparently god disagreed.”
[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
I think my husband is psychic!
“Honey, what do you think of this outfit?”
{from other room}
“You look great!”
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
Grandpa: “I was at Normandy.”
Dad: “I was at the Battle of Khe Sanh.”
Me: “I once went to Kohl’s on Christmas Eve.”
Everyone: *gasps*
I’m an adult, and I can eat whatever I want whenever I want, and I wish someone would take this power from me.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
1) Put index and thumb together.
2) Place them where nose meets forehead.
3) Close eyes.
4) Sigh.
5) Check to see if person still talking.
#AsAKidIHated getting my temperature taken 🤣😬🤬
There should be an Uber for somebody to come over and wrap all your presents.
Dateline has taught me that the day I light up a room, my days are numbered.
If cauliflower can be pizza and zucchini can be noodles then you too can be anything you want.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me