Edward Scissorhands: You told me to put my hands up
Me: I said I was sorry
Other rollercoaster riders: *covered in chunks of duck*
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Well, well, well if it isn’t the 5 lbs I thought I lost.
When the hostess at the restaurant says “table for two?”, I always like to look surprised and whisper “you can see her too?”.
JLo and Ben Affleck are back together, Lindsay Lohan is starring in a new movie, and I’m living in my parents house. Hello 2004
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
“sixth cousins three times removed” is not related. i’m probably sixth cousins three times removed with a martian.
me: bless me father for i have sinned
mailman: [thru mail slot] what’s it this time
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
There you go again, overusing big words like some kind of tweeting sesquipedalian.
Idiot.
From your body language, you’re either uncomfortable or just waiting for your host body to die.
My wife and I have been happily married for two years. 1997 & 2004
Never argue with someone who knows fancier words than you. Like ‘responsibility’
Me: Not today Satan
Satan: Good cause I can’t deal with your shit right now
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
fixed it
[Tattoo on nuts]
Caution: May contain people
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Husband: I emptied the dishwasher.
Me: Great work, honey! Maybe you could try it again when it’s clean.
The ex just asked me how can one have a soulmate if one has no soul?
Wonder which of us he was referring to?
Wild horses absolutely could drag me away. So could tame ones for that matter. Actually you know what I’m calling an Uber.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
HR said I’m no longer allowed to offer clients tea when they arrive
“I ran a half marathon” sounds so much better than “I quit halfway through a marathon”.
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal
“People who shed hair should clean up their hair”
14yo horrified, cleaning bathrooms for the first time in his life.
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.