[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
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Lunatics are gonna loon.
[Science Meeting, 1924]
Why don’t we tell the people that every snowflake is unique? It’s not like they’ll ever really check
“Let’s do it”
I’m not sure what my three-year-old needs more, naps or an exorcism.
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
90% of the men who cheat and get caught give bad name to the rest 10% who only cheat.
dad: snapping a pic of your grandma in her coffin is weird
me: it’s socially acceptable these days
dad: just hurry up so we can put her back in the ground
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
“There can only be one!” -Arab eyebrows
When Kanye rapped “Jesus was a truth seeker, he got crucified/ I bought a moose from a zookeeper, I got moosified”, I felt that
Me *pouring coffee* are you going to work today?
Windows Explorer: who knows lol
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
I said “You’re not the boss of me” to my boss and it came true.
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the money in my pocket and a debit card that gave me access to the rest of my money which was in a bank account.
I can’t believe this dog and a whole family just died because of a forgotten comma
Me: I was so happy before I lost my forearms in that shark attack
Therapist: How do you feel now?
Me: With my elbows
I wanted to join a street gang when I was a teenager but I failed the dancing audition.
Red meat isn’t bad for you. Fuzzy, green meat is what you want to avoid.
Me: I would love to sleep with you
Her: ok I think we’re ready for this
[We lay down and nap because we are not perverts like you]
Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
Set your phone alarm to a song you hate. You won’t hit snooze, because then you’d have to hear Nickelback again.
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
Ah, summer break. When I leave for work my teenagers are sleeping and when I get home from work, my teenagers are sleeping.
Get a big metal box, label it “TIME CAPSULE” and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
Me: if I had to review it, the beginning was boring, none of it was believable. I didn’t care about the main characters but we got cake so one star
Bride: did you at least enjoy being maid of honor
me: lord if you’re up there, give me a sign
booming voice from above: LOG OFF
me: that could’ve been anyone
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
me: I liked your memoir. Not sure why it ended with a recipe though
food blogger: