I was in the Valentine’s aisle looking for candy, and next to the adorable stuffed pink bears were the high-powered binoculars. Finally a store that understands the romance of stalking.
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JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
I could never be in the mob.
The only gun I like is a glue gun. Is there a crafting mafia?
Maybe I’ll start one.
*blows glitter in your eye*
Never go against the family.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
I love twitter
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
DOG 911: what’s your emergency?
DOG: *whispering* they put me in a stroller
DOG 911: *covers phone* WE’VE GOT A CODE SLIGHTLY DARKER GREY
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
My weapon of choice is a loaded vocabulary.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
If you’re going to give someone a piece of your mind, make sure you can spare it.
“Well, there’s no circle thingy with the slash through it, so I guess it’s okay.”
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
When I win the lottery I’m going to get dozens of fake IDs with various names. Then I’ll go to Starbucks and try to claim every coffee. Yes, as a matter of fact, I am Sarah and also Frank. Here’s my ID
What rhymes with Autoerotic Asphyxiation? Writing an obituary is hard.
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Me: it is he about whom the prophecy foretold, and for whom we have waited lo these many centuries
Cable guy:
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for me
Peach Farmer: sure
Me: millions of peaches, peaches for free
Peach Farmer: well just hold on now
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
Has anyone checked whether cows really have 4 stomachs? Because it kinda sounds like a lie a cow made up once to get more food
A robot robbed a bank but was caught when it’s battery died..
Police have no plans to charge the suspect.I’m here all week😬
I think I’ll stand
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
*Burns dinner*
Who likes dark meat?
Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
My biggest fear of self driving cars is that if I would die on the way to work, the car would still drive me there.
I use my rear windshield wiper mainly to show off that I have a car with a rear windshield wiper.