Ok, but like, how married are you?
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Yep. Didn’t think about how much lemon jello shots would look like urine samples.
The best place on the internet is the reviews of hats for cats because every review is like “5 stars, amazing hat” and then a picture of the cat looking absolutely furious
Barista: Hangover?
Me: Motherhood.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
(Cereal Mascot Support Meeting)
TRIX BUNNY: I don’t understand why I can’t have any of the cereal.
LUCKY CHARMS LEPRECHAUN: I don’t understand why these kids keep stealing mine.
FREDDY KREUGER: I think I’ve wandered into the wrong group, but have any of you thought about murder?
relationship status:
[ ] single
[ ] taken
[X] waiting for the spaceship to return
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
We broke up, but she said we could still be cousins. Merica.
My kids have trashed the house again but they also reminded me to buy the ice cream which I’m currently eating instead of cleaning the house, so I’ll give them a pass this time
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
Psychology majors be like damn I can’t even be mad at you bc I know why you reacted the way you did
11,780 cans of beans on the wall…
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
added child seasoning to the list instead of chili, so that changes up next week’s menu.
[dinner]
WIFE: This risotto is rich
ME: Ah, ‘rich’ from the Old English ‘rīċe’ meaning powerful, and likely cognate with Proto-Celtic ‘rigos’ meaning “of a ruler or king”
WIFE: Still listening to that history of English podcast?
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: …from the Latin ‘Anglus’
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
Kudos to Google for starting a company before you could Google, “How to start a company?”
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
When I’m mad at a shirt I’ll wear it when I’m eating soup.
If you’re wearing slippers in the car, the chances of your child needing you to run in somewhere increase by 500%.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
You seem like someone who doesn’t take the plastic off before you make the grilled cheese.
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
[LA Earthquake]
Me: Wow, do you feel tha-
Husband: *pushes me out of the way and runs down the street screaming* Every man for himself!
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT