You Might Also Like
Today is my mom’s birthday or as she calls it, Cinco de Seis, because someone taught her just enough Spanish to be annoying.
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Mugger: Hand over your wallet or else!
Me: *wearing a deodorant that promises 48 hour protection* Or else what?
Never end a tweet with a question mark. People will talk to you.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
[puts hand on wife’s stomach as baby kicks]
Come out here & try that.
McRib stands for My Chemical Romance Is Back
An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
*notices it’s not even 8am*
*been tweeting like a boss…*
*…to 5 insomniacs*
If you heard twenty minutes of moaning from my bedroom that was just me trying to stand up.
Welcome to your 40s: you’re not exhausted that’s just your face now.
My ancestors watching me pay $10 for a pint of ice cream
[Wine tasting]
Me: Yep. Wine.
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
Today I caught my grandpa urinating with the door open. Which is no big deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
something like this could probably happen to anyone
Had my mom call me to get out of a meeting, but now I’m stuck in a call with my mom
Farmer: Netflix and till
Moonshiner: Netflix and still
Estate planner: Netflix and will
Dentist: Netflix and drill
Attorney: Netflix and bill
Mountaineer: Netflix and hill
Doctor: Netflix and ill
Pharmacist: Netflix and pill
Jack: Netflix and Jill
*Han thaws and smashes to the ground in a massive heap, after being frozen in carbonite*
Han Solo: Who are you?
Princess Leia: Someone who loves you… but let’s you thaw and smash to the ground in a massive heap after being held frozen in carbonite.
[neil degrasse tyson voice] the film is called Home Alone but thats actually a misnomer. in fact, kevin was joined in his home by 2 burglars
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
Sometimes I tell myself that everything that I’ve been through in life is totally worth it. Then I laugh hysterically.
Silly you… one can’t throw out the baby with the bath water. The baby will clog the drain.
detective: he’s been poisoned. the proof is in the pudding
me: *face absolutely covered in chocolate* wait it’s where
Waiter: Do you guys need any sauce?
Her: Yes, please. Bbq.
Me: I’ll take apple.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
“My family doesn’t have a black sheep,” I say, while everyone avoids eye contact.
some lady dressed as catwoman is walking around our halloween party just knocking drinks off tables