Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
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I’m pretty sure the Olympics are just making up countries now.
Press 1 for English
Presione 2 para español
Press 0 for operator
Press 7 to talk to Randy about the rad seats he had at a Van Halen concert
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Apparently this weekend there will be constant rane, hale, gails, drissle, thundre, litnin, hy tydes, tawnaydoes and frizzing colde.
Really bad spell of wether.
I see your Full House and I raise you 3 episodes of Home Improvement.
-Me, not knowing how to play poker, but loving 90’s TV
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
“where am i bro?”
THIS IS SPARTA
“thanks. cute puppy bro”
THIS IS MUFFINS
[Wizard Starbucks]
Barista: I have a tall white chocolate mocha for Ron
Voldemort: [visibly upset] excuse me I’ve been waiting for an hour on my triple shot soy latte w/light foam and no one has called my name yet!
Knowing you’ve got indigestion is a gut feeling
#mondaymirth
Me: getting the flu shot wasn’t so bad, was it?
5: it was really loud
Me: loud?
5: yes because I screamed the whole time!
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
[Date]
Her: Any hobbies?
Me: Monging mostly.
Her: Huh?
Me: I’m a monger
Her: Huh?
Me: Iron, fish, war… You name it — I’ll monger it
Me: Hi, is this Chuck E Cheese?
How many kids do I need to have with me to be able to eat and play there?Chuck E. Cheese: Just one
Me: *opens door to white van* Get out Rebecca I don’t need you
Surprised to hear five people were shot at a Chris Brown show, most notably because why were there that many people at a Chris Brown show?
Friend: Those are really big sprinkles on your cupcake.
Me: They’re ibuprofen.
I think my favorite part of being a parent is telling my kids they can’t have any chips before dinner because deep down I know I’m eating that family sized bag of doritos after they go to bed
Important
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
Me: Today’s songs all sound the same. My generation’s music was the best.
Son: Yeah. “She’ll Be Coming Around the Mountain” was a real classic.
My 6yo has invented this new thing called “dessert for lunch” and it basically means he can have ice cream after lunch because he’s definitely gonna eat all his dinner. Definitely.
Me (age 26): *parties like a rock star*
Me (age 46): *plots against the raccoon that keeps getting into my bird feeder*
@funTweeters just starred 1 of my tweets. It’s like getting a personal letter fr Jennifer Lawrence, & it asks if she can borrow some stamps.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
It’s weird how many of my ancestors were sepia-toned.