Boomers will say no one makes good music anymore then put on some Bob Dylan song that sounds like a bridge troll’s riddle being played in reverse
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I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
Reviews of Hogwarts
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“The very best school of wizarding and witchcraft”⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐
“Great teachers, superb quidditch field”⭐☆☆☆☆
“At least one student dies every year”
Listen if we’re still single in 10 years do you wanna get hitched?
My cat:…
Trust the software, it knows things you and I do not!
What about “BusinessMyspace”? Nah, it’s taken. Okay, what about “LinkedIn”?
Italians, look away now.
I break my spaghetti in half before I cook it.
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
her: wanna go upstairs
me: yes
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
mugger: YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE
me: My best friend will protect me
mugger: Haha, right-
[my dog appears spinning dual nunchucks]
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
When you’re drunk do a selfie with your bestie
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
When I was a kid, I wanted to be Stephen Hawking. Now that he’s dead, that feeling is even stronger
I’m gaining weight for my role as “‘Before’ picture”
I hurt my back making tater tots. The directions said bake 16 minutes and flip halfway.
My son has said Mom 327 times from his room this morning.
He’s 21 and home for the summer.
It doesn’t get better.
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
this little piggy stayed home
FUN FACT:
Bears hibernate in the winter just to get away from Christmas music…
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
My nickname in high school was “who?”
I know you didn’t sneeze. I said “God bless you” because your baby is ugly.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
[to psychic gf] the spirits you talk to make fun of me don’t they
“no”
[she laughs for no reason]
AHHHH *punching the air* FIGHT ME SPIRITS
I told my son, age 11, to clean his room. He’s 22 now. Will it ever happen?