Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
You Might Also Like
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
Find a penny
Pick it up
All day long
You’ll have lower back pain
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
[Victora’s Secret]
Wife: You’re the most supportive person I know.
*A person made of bras walks by*
Me: Um what about that guy?
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
me: *joking* i’m always right! i’m NEVER wrong.
7: well. sometimes you are. remember when –
me: shut up
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
[Oregon Trail 1852]
Doctor: Any final words?
Man dying of dysentery: *coughing* I just hope that this gruesome experience isn’t made into a game for children to play.
What if all the cashiers are married?
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
*first day as a cloning scientist
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.
You wanna take this outside bro? You sure bro? It’s awfully chilly bro. Hold on bro, let me grab my scarf.
[war]
COLONEL: The enemy is nearing…we need to turn up the heat
DAD SOLDIER: I am not paying to heat the entire war
Cop: *searching my car*
“WHERE IS IT?
I KNOW IT’S HERE!”Me: *trying to swallow a Nickelback cd*
“IT’S NOT MINE, I SWEAR!”
More like Kate Missington.
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Hey wanna take the elevator with me and discuss what day of the week it feels like? And then we can go over what day it actually is, deal?
I bought silk pyjamas to go with our new silk sheets. I jumped into bed and woke up in my neighbour’s flower bed
him: 911, what’s your emergency
me: a home invasion
him: can have a unit there in 10 minutes
me: they’re armed
him: 5 minutes
me: they switched my toilet paper from over to under
swat team: [already crashing thru the windows]
doctor: *tearing from prescription pad* take two of these and come back next week
me: *chewing the paper* when do I get the second one
Anyone who says actions speak louder than words hasn’t heard this lady in the booth next to me at Chili’s.
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
[trick-or-treating]
Her: *crying* Mommy, she gave me an orange with a pumpkin drawn on it!
Me: Honey, hold mommy’s flask for a minute.
Q: “And onto the final gadget for your mission.”
James Bond: “What is it? Some sort of balloon weapon?”
Q: “It’s a condom, James. A condom.”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.