After speaking with the psychiatrist, I’ve learned that “hungry” is in fact NOT an emotion. So I’m in the market for a new psychiatrist.
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The cranberries used to write songs that would get stuck in your head, in your heeeaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaad!
BREAKING NEWS …. Lisa on Facebook is so done with this week and now she is headed to Chili’s for some much needed margaritas with the gals ….
I only eat vegetarians.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
toddler: Close your eyes and open your mouth
me [about to get hit with a bat]
I am fluent in three languages…english, sarcasm, and profanity
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
Stranger [after I pushed them out of the way of a speeding bus]: You saved me! Thank you so much!! You must be some kind of superhero?!
Me: As I remain your humble servant, I can assure you, I am but man.
Stranger: Nice to meet you Buttman!
Me: what? no, wait
If you run out of pet names for your partner, just call them assorted baking ingredients: sugar, honey, cinnamon, vanilla, garlic powder, Montreal steak seasoning, butter, pumpkin.
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Climate Change is just a scam to sell more Climate.
The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
SURGEON (who is an octopus): scalpel
NURSE: [sweating trying to figure out what arm to hand it to] yup one second
Sometimes, when my husband has a day off, I like to bring the TV remote with me to work.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
In my 20s: I’m gonna live forever!
In my 40s : uh oh
Every time I clean my dog’s water bowl, she has put a piece of dry spaghetti in there. Where is she getting the spaghetti? Why is she not eating it? Is she softening it? For how long? Do I leave it? This has been happening for months.
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
Dancing Prime Minister
Dancing Chancellor of the Exchequer
Dancing Lord Privy Seal
-ABBA explores dance vis-a-vis constitutional monarchies
Wanna terrify a homeless dude? Dress as a grocery store clerk and pretend to scan all the stuff in his shopping cart
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
Remember when maths teachers said “you won’t have a calculator on you all the time when you’re older” well guess what, I do and I keep it in my pocket right next to my phone
Personal Trainer: Do you run?
Me: Only into people and places I’d rather not be.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a physiologist.
Me: Amazing! I love carbonated beverages. The fizzier the better!
If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
a lot of people are really funny but they’re not comedians and a lot of comedians are really funny but they’re not people