my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
You Might Also Like
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
me: so I just check out women all day?
grocery store manager: please stop saying it like that
I asked my kids to stop fighting while I was on a work call and my daughter walked over and closed the door to the room I was sitting in.
Compromise.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.
Wife caved and ripped open the bag of Halloween candy two weeks early.
She should have just used the small hole I cut in the bottom a week ago
Education is vital
ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
Got fired from Target for testing out the Nerf guns on their logo.
I don’t have an angel and a devil on my shoulders.
It’s just two devils fighting over who’s gonna get me in the most trouble.
It’s nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he’s getting hit by a train.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Girl: So, your dating profile says you enjoy long walks by the sea & making ur own wine?
Jesus: ON
Girl: What?
Jesus: Long walks ON the sea
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
I don’t follow washing instructions, you’re my clothes you don’t tell me what to do
Grandma, what big eyes you have!
thyroid actin’ up
What big ears you have!
ear infection
What big teeth!
receding gums, look I’m just old ok
All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive
All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
My wife asked me why I was speaking so softly at home.
I told her I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening!
She laughed. I laughed.
Alexa laughed. Siri laughed.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
A married couple with no kids just asked my wife and I to go out for drinks at 9:30 tonight.
They did it with a straight face too.
All this construction in my area makes me realize how many weapons are just randomly lying around.
Have kids so that you can remind them constantly about something only to have them look at you each time as if this is the first they’ve heard of it.
We’ve been having a problem here at work with guys spending too.much time in the restrooms. Not to get out if work but because the air conditioning in there is fantastic.
-tweet sent from stall #3
i be like “communication is the key” then put my phone on do not disturb
Leaned over to give my dog a kiss and he lifted his paw to shake hands, I’ve been friendzoned by my dog
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
“You hear from my lawyer?”
“He says he’s working on it, Stan.”
“I’m really losing it, Johnny.”
“Just be patient. You need anything?”
“Acorns, they’re like currency in here.”