Marriage is wearing the same shirt for three days in a row and on the third day, your husband asking if you got a new shirt.
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My husband and I are co-counsel in trial today.
We already had an argument about who would drive to the courthouse.
This should be good.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
[phone]
Me: Oh wow I love your voice
Her: Thanks!
Me: And your accent is so cool, are you from the south?
Her: Good guess!
Me: Oh yeah I love it down there, the weather, the food!
Her: Me too! It’s the best!
Me: It really is
Her: Anyway what’s your emergency
Me: I’ve been stabbed
My husband asked me what I need at Target… Target will tell me what I need thanks
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
When you’re in the voting booth this fall, remember that Abe Lincoln didn’t slay all those vampires so that Trump could become President.
Then god said, “Let there be light,” and there was light and he regretted making Adam in the dark because he gave him Owen Wilson’s nose.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
Nature: How many legs do you guys want to have?
Ant: 6 is cool.
Spider: 8 is fine
Snake: Don’t need any.
Millepede: Like 1,000.
Me (remembering that girls like cute things): do you like peppa pig?
Date:
Me (remembering girls like tough guys): I killed her
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Diet app pops up “What did you have for dinner?”
*looking at glass of wine*
*turns off phone*
I saw a fat kid sitting on a seesaw all by himself. I stopped and waited for another kid to fall from the sky. I left disappointed.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
I got plans this weekend. Release the sundresses!!!!
“Stop texting me. If I wanted to go on the second date, I wouldn’t have stolen all your jewelry.”
Stop the Internet. I want to get off.
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Server: Everything ok over here?
Me: Yes, thank you.*2 minutes later*
Server: Still doing ok?
Me: Things have taken a dark turn I fear.
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
I’d remove my mittens to text you back, baby
-Canadians flirting
1991: Mom gently rocks you to sleep
2024: Mom doesn’t rock you to sleep anymoreAnyone else notice this?
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
Saw a Fed Ex driver screaming out the window of his truck “we da real Santa Claus.” New York is the best.
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
Nobody talks about Jesus’ miracle of having 12 close friends in his 30s
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater