Remembering when I taught middle school and some girls wanted to have a Twilight book club in my classroom and then they uninvited me when they found out I was team Jacob
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Did you guys hear about the “internet”? Apparently you can say literally anything there
Me: I will not be tricked into buying stuff I don’t need.
Ad: Buy 4, get one free.
Me: I’ll take 10 then.
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
The most embarrassing thing about mistaking pilates class for pirates class is concealing my musket.
Let’s just say she wasn’t impressed when I picked her up in my go-kart.
I Google image searched the phrase “Google image search” and accidentally opened a portal to hell.
Of course I’m paying attention, I’m just following the floaters on my eyeballs. Keep talking.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
I’m not saying I could stand to diet, I’m just saying I did a few jumping jacks and all the car alarms started going off in the neighborhood.
THERAPIST: As a young boy, did your mother ever treat you badly?
ME: As far as I know *pauses to think* my mother was never a young boy
Getting fuel at 2am I was so alert to my surroundings- hearing a voice over my shoulder I whipped around to pepper spray gas station tv
We have tornado weather coming towards us right now and my kids are being so annoying I think I’m gonna go stand outside.
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
[on date]
HER: I cant see u anymore
ME (hiding under table): lol I know
H: no I mean I cant see u anymore
M (still under table): lol I know
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
I can hear fireworks so I have to go leave a nose print on every window of my house to try to find them
When people put pics of their vacation on FB I write: I saw fire trucks outside your house but I’m sure you already know, have a great time!
I’m starting to think that guy in 5th grade isn’t going to ask me to couple skate
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
Hypnotist: [crying in a corner] why aren’t you getting sleepy!?
3 year old: I’m thirsty
I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
1 year ago today, the world ended. RIP everyone.
G/F wanted sex.
Told her I was too tired from having sex with my wife.
And that’s how the fight started.
🤦♀️🤦♀️🤦♀️
People who live in glass houses should install frosted glass around the toilet part.
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them