Commercials for prescription drugs would be better if the actors had to act out the side effects too.
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Them: We don’t know enough to panic.
My Anxiety: Amateur!
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
I’ll be with you every day, always and forever.
Me: you are laundry, stop talking
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
My love transcends space, time, personal boundaries and several antibiotics
pizza
I’m a failure as a sociopath. I’m just not very good at manipulating and taking advantage of people. I’m more of a so-sopath.
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.
My husband has texted me 12 times from the grocery store with questions. He’s only made it to aisle 4. Pray for me.
“I really should buckle down and get my rap album going”
-Me, every time I drink
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
I am only drinking 2 beers tonight, but in dog beers.
[on the 7th day]
Dodo Bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
God: yeah totally harmless little dude
Dodo: *watching Adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
God: *biting into a kit-kat* sure thing buddy
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
If a cop pulls you over & asks if you know why. Answer “are you giving me a ticket or a quiz” for a free ride in their car.
me: *kills two birds with one stone*
date: MY COCKATOOS
*bark*
“What’s that Lassie?”
*bark bark*
“Timmy’s stuck in a loveless marriage with an overly critical wife?”
*bark*
“Ooh, dinnertime.”
“Just the tip,” I whisper seductively to the pizza delivery guy, hoping he fulfills my fantasy of not charging me for the pizza.
Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back
me: *popping balloons*
kid: you’re mean
me: do YOU want to smuggle the heroin
If you forget what it’s like to talk on a Pay Phone, just lick the handle of a shopping cart
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Hi everyone,
Funny Tweeter is undergoing maintenance during which certain features of the site won’t be available. We’re trying to get back to normal as soon as possible. 😊
I get it, mayonnaise. I am also disgusting yet liked by many.
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
me: we have a problem, i forgot the speakers
her: it’s cool i don’t like music
me: ok we have 2 problems
Him: I eat healthily
Me who has just learned the word ditto and can’t wait to use it: say something else
“my 7th grader is reading at a 9th grade level” ok big deal, my doctor told me my body is aging at a 73 year old level.
I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.