I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
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Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
The NRA is pretty unhappy about the #filibuster. My thoughts and prayers are with them.
Welcome to your fifties, Saturday Night Fever now means lots of rest, cold medicine and chicken noodle soup.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
I’ll be in the yard for a bit. If anyone asks, I’m outstanding.
Found a fly on his back by my keyboard. So dead. So sad. Put a cocktail umbrella by his head. Now he looks like he’s suntanning.
Wife: What’s going on?
Me: Updog
Wife: Oh not that joke again
Me: Just say it!
Wife: Fine, what’s updog?
Dog: A movie about a guy with a floating house
Wife: Holy shit
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
[covered in olive oil, salt, pepper and other herbs and spices]
Professor: “That’s just not what I meant when I said “come prepared”…”
set yourself free xox
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
friend got a quirky ouija board rug for her house and now i mainly hang out there waiting for the roomba to summon demons and shit.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Part of fatherhood is becoming an expert in some obscure topic and teaching it to your children who stopped listening 30 minutes ago.
“You can’t stand there.”
“Not there, either.”
“Nope that spot’s taken, too.”-Ground hogs
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
i want to try Dungeons and Dragons but you need more than 3 friends to even start?? that’s the hardest dungeon of all
“Who am I?” she beckoned the stars.
Stars: We’ve gone over this a million times. You are a geisha caveman.
Patiently waiting for the spooky season like:
like idgaf i’ll tell you goodnight at 3pm if you piss me off.
ohh u don’t think my farm is real cuz the only crop i’m growing is burritos well pls excuse me while i cry into this fresh hot tortilla
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Hey Brenda, let’s watch this cute kitten video!
*clicks on “Do You Wear Too Much Perfume?”*
Haha whoops wrong video but LET’S HEAR IT OUT
mother’s day idea: treat your mom as she has treated you! force her to take piano lessons
painter: do you want to put down the burrito while I paint your portrait?
me: absolutely not
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
If you die on the toilet, you die in real life.
[god creatig god]
GOD: make him omnipotent & onmipresent
ANGEL: ok…
GOD: and also provide no evidence he exists
ANGEL: ru sure
GOD: trust me