I got a call from the library saying I was in “serious, serious trouble” for a long overdue book.
Then they told me I would be fined $1.37 and I wonder if this is how rich people feel all the time.
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Friend gave me a ‘stress’ ball to squeeze when I’m tense. Did what I always do when nervous, I ate it.
Alright. Let’s cut the shit. Who harbinged this doom?
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Charcuterie is french for “I touched every single piece of this food, enjoy”.
Say what you will about Elon’s management style, but before he took over all you guys posted was “ugh another day on this hell site” and now you’re all like “ah twitter the extraordinary place where I met all my best friends, started my career, had sex for the first time”
My little girl will never have daddy issues.
But her future boyfriends will.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
9: I’m writing a book based on a true story.
Me: Make me look good.
9: FINE. I’ll write something else.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Waitress: Can I take this out of the way for you?
Me: [glances at wife] uh…sure
Wife: SHE MEANS THE PLATE, IDIOT
“Call me crazy bu..”
You’re a freakin idiot!.. I mean, you’re crazy.
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Her: there’s something different about you
Me, slowly transitioning into a werewolf: HOWOOOOOOOOO do you mean?
From my Mom
Wife: I can’t sleep at your parent’s house. This weird noise keeps me up
Me: Does it sound like a dumpster full of expired mayonnaise being dragged across a gymnasium floor?
W: Oddly specific but yes
Me: Yeah that’s my dad snoring. Sorry
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
The trick to taking your toddler to a movie is making sure there is another toddler in the theatre who is behaving worse.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
God: is it done?
Noah: yea
God: whats this
Noah, proudly: a swing set
God: you built a park. I asked for an ark
Noah: a what?
God: a boat
Noah: say boat then
My sister: You’re either going to die because you sassed the wrong person or petted a dog you shouldn’t have.
Me: Either way, I’m getting bitten in the face.
me: *knows girls like nerds* I read a lot
date: what kind of books?
me: *knows girls also like jocks* heavy ones
My neighbors are arguing. So I threw 6 shoes in the dryer. They haven’t said a word since.
Son: Can we go to the beach?
Me: *dumps a bucket of sand down his shorts* There you go, bud.
Me: Evil always thinks it’s doing right
My boss: I am just asking you to put your air-pods away for the meeting!!!