*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
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And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
What did the teddy bear eat for dinner?
Nothing. He was STUFFED!
Imma tattoo a QR code that, when scanned, takes people to a YouTube video about how weird it is to scan people’s tattoos
*nothing on the kitchen table*
*nothing on the living room floor*
*nothing on the coffee table*
*nothing on the dining room table*
7yo: *builds 2,000-piece lego set at the bottom of the stairs*
yeah i have a drinking problem. it’s called dehydration
I bought black-out curtains on Amazon Prime day. It’s noon and my husband is still asleep.
So either he’s dead or they really work. 10/10
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
This intermittent fasting thing would be so much easier if I could just move the clocks ahead so willy nilly every day
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
To tell the difference between African and Indian elephants you have to look at their ears.
You lift one up and shout “Where are you from?”
Told all my coworkers I shaved my beard but that was a bald-faced lie
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
Wanna play a dangerous game? It’s called taking a nap at 4.
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
If television has taught me anything, it’s that I can totally outrun an explosion.
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
Zombies and I have a lot in common; we both walk around aimlessly looking for something to eat.
court: counsel why are you yelling your questions from back there?
me: i’ve got my phone plugged in back here your honor.
DOG BOSS: ur fired
ME: wait, is there any way you’ll reconsider?
DOG BOSS: no
ME: u want to go for a ride in the car
DOG BOSS: *tilts head*
Twitter creates a false sense of intimacy because who else spends as much time with you in the bathroom?
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
I had professional respect for you but then you said “recognizance” when you meant ‘reconnaissance.’
THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I repeat, THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
– My dentist, to his trainee hygienist, who keeps passing him the wrong implements.
Stepped on the scale to get a status update and up 5lbs.
However I worked out for the first time last night so I assume it’s muscle
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
Microwaves are just clocks that also heat food.
*pulled over by cop*
Cop: Did you know that your tags are expired?
*tags cop*
Me: You’re it!
Cop:
Me running away: Renewed!
Maybe hippos wouldn’t attack so many people if we stopped feeding them marbles.