My lifetime taco-to-salad ratio is 16413 to 1.
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[god designing humans]
Angel: there was a mix-up at the factory. The intestines are way too long
God: *stuffing em all in there* I got this
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*
Maybe Oscar wouldn’t be so grouchy if he lived in a keg instead.
According to WebMD, I either have the Ebola virus or I just sat on my car keys :/
good prank: sneak into someone’s house every night over a year and replace thier toilet with a slightly larger one until it fills tthe room
My daughter asked why I drink so much beer
I told her it’s because I actually have a condition that’s pretty unfortunate. You see, my body is actually not capable of producing its own alcohol
I get it, Kevin McCallister. I, too, sometimes wish my family would disappear and leave me home alone with my own cheese pizza.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
If I ignore life will it go away?
I think the most fucked up thing about the Catholic Church is that they force Bishops to only move in diagonals
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
my sister: why do you delete so many tweets?
me: sometimes you don’t know something’s really stupid until you send it out into the world
my mother: *staring at me just a second too long*
The days of good grammer has went
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Just finished a series of paintings of mass murderers. A friend wants to put them on display but I think hanging’s too good for them.
The phrase “A stone’s throw” has been discontinued.
Please use “In Wifi range” from now on.
me: what’s ur favorite thing on the menu
waiter: oh definitely the salmon
me: oh yes ok i’ll have the *orders something that is not salmon*
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
I have two dogs. One named Rolex and one named Timex.
They’re watchdogs.
Oh, your kid is in all honors courses. That’s cool. Well, my kids are learning from real life experiences like why we don’t put forks in the microwave.
An Apple a day may keep the Doctor away!!!… But an Onion a day keeps Everybody away!!!
King’s men: well don’t just stand there, help us put this egg mf back together again
King’s horses:
The only difference between the 13yr old me and the 28yr old me is that my kool-aid now contains vodka.
No one has more ailments than a child who was put to bed.
Him: I hate that you ask so many questions.
Me: why? What do you mean?