If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
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Woman: I love a man with an accent
Mán: Well hello there
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
Please don’t ride with me if you’re gonna grab the dash or scream every time I hit a curb.
You’ll make me nervous.
Me: I think I drank too much yesterday and gave away half my wealth to you by mistake
Pizza guy: oh yeah about that, here’s your T.V. remote back
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
DRIVING CLASS: 10 and 2
REAL LIFE: 7 and french fries
This year for Halloween I’m putting my kids in a giant bowl on the front step with a sign that says Please Take One.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
Three men from my past have reappeared in the last few weeks to remind me how much I hate odd numbers.
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
My ability to do the worm originated from tripping, landing on my face and being too lazy to get up to walk to bed
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Where do I see myself in 5 years? May 2019. Next question.
HER: hey, do u come here often?
ME: all the time
HER: do u know if the bartender is single?
It’s illegal to play pop music on a hot air balloon.
Never share breakfast with a duck‼️
(my funeral)
Spouse, crying: I’ll miss you, my love. Your with the angels now.Ghost me, whispering in his ear: *you’re
S: Oh ffs!
I run down a hospital corridor, clutching the mustard dispenser I liberated from the cafeteria.
Earlier I had a plan. Now I have mustard.
“Stressed” backwards is “desserts” so chill and have that cupcake.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
I always regret making a good first impression because there is no way I can keep that shit up.
*gingerly maneuvers the garbage can back into place between a stack of crown molding we’ll never use and your antique pesticide collection*