You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
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Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
I just took out a second mortgage on my house in case I get hungry at the airport tomorrow.
A barbed wire tattoo is a great way to keep people from breaking into your upper arm.
I love the idea of a fruitarian, just morally affronted that anyone could eat a baby spinach.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
me: i want a girlfriend so badly
them: u have to start going on dates
me: seems excessive
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Sheriff: you mean to tell me you’ve walked into this town for a lame joke set up?
Stranger: things have happened
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
I lifted up my t-shirt to check out my abs and last night’s taco residue fell out so there’s that.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Drive thru window: Sorry, did you want fries with that?
My brain: He’s asking because you look like you eat a lot of potatoes
Seductively sings in Klingon.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
My 8yo son spent 45 minutes perusing and closely inspecting the 31 flavors to finally decide on “chocolate.”
Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
Nice try little pine tree air freshener, but this gas station restroom needs the efforts of an entire forest.
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
The name’s Bond, James Bond. And you are?
[sees kid crying in the mall]
“What’s wrong?”
“I’m lost.”
“You’re in the mall you little idiot.”
me: you wanna hot line bling?
date: what?
me: *sweating nervously* Netflix and chill?
date: excuse me
me: *looking at notecards* BAE?!
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
so what are you guys doing for the other 3/4ths of july
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
My email password has been hacked. That’s the third time I’ve had to rename my cat.
Vegetarians need to chill. Mankind is messed up because someone ate an apple they weren’t supposed to.