It’s as though the guy beside me in traffic earlier had never seen a woman take her bra off without removing her shirt before
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If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
Welcome to your forties.
You brag about how early you went to bed and you’re jealous if someone beats you.
WEIGHT LOSS TIP: Put your chips into a bowl instead of eating out of the bag. That way, you’ll get lots of exercise going back to the kitchen to fill up the bowl 10 times as you eat the entire bag.
If anyone thought the Weather Channel couldn’t possibly get any louder, please stop by my parent’s house right now
NOOO NOT THE DUOLINGO BIRD ON THE GRILL!!!!
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
i texted random strangers trying to trick them into finishing my owl joke
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
if your religion infringes on people’s rights; sorry, you’ve had hundreds of years to change everyone’s mind- obviously that hasn’t happened
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I don’t ask a lot from an elevator, but if you can’t get the buttons right, what else did you screw up?
ME: do u like smart guys
GIRL AT BAR: yes
ME: sorry i wasted your time
[walking down street with date after dinner]
him: i had a great time
me: yep… [gestures towards garbage truck] welp, this is me [jumps in]
I no longer need an alarm clock because I’m over 40 and have a bladder.
Friend: *texting* How are you holding up? Staying busy?
Me: Yeah actually I’ve gotten really into philosophy
[Earlier that day]
Me: Alexa if you shave all your hair off do you use face wash or body soap on the top of your head
At 51, I have turned 17 three times and let me tell you I understand the cicada’s compulsion to sit in a tree and scream.
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
This painting is titled “Mother, May I Sleep with Danger?”
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
That Scene in a Christopher Nolan Film Where You Give Up Trying to Follow the Plot
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
I’ve never seen a workplace Hanukkah display that didn’t shout, “We legally had to do this.”
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Somehow I managed to lock myself out of my laundry room. I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
I am bringing 21 tamales to Thanksgiving because it’s the year 2021 and also because I ate three of them already.
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
I just broke a mirror disco ball, I’m not looking forward to my 5,600 years of bad luck
me: hey have you seen my keys?
patient I just operated on: no
me: go like this *wiggles*