Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
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me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
“1 down, 98 to go!”- Jay-Z after cleaning the gutters
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
“i am a sweet baby”
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
5 asked me to come to her hairdressing salon, put some accessories in my hair then looked at me and said “well your hair looks good now but I don’t know what we can do with your face”. Worst hairdresser I’ve been to, do not recommend
If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
MY MOM: [handing me my hulk hands] Good luck on your date tonight.
My life would be so much easier if it wasn’t for that thing…God, what is that thing called…other people.
i asked myself if i was crazy and we all said no stop playin w me
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
why are poetry books so expensiveee. each page will be like:
i am home.
if you knockand the book is $49.99
wtf is an acronym
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
Never play board games with someone whose bumper sticker says “Failure is not an option.”
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
so loyal to apple products that the only birth control I use is the iUD
This is hilarious….
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
Does your kid ask you to “freshen his water” every night or are you not a five star restaurant?