I don’t care who dies in the movie but it better not be the dog.
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Me: I’m going to be healthy
Breakfast: fruit
Lunch: sandwich
Dinner: salad
Midnight: large pizza, mac & cheese, a gallon of ice cream
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
We’re just started on a 6 hour drive and the boys simultaneously jinxed each other. They won’t talk until I say their names and they’re silently mouthing things at each other.
I just won the traveling with kids lottery.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
why do guys only hit me up at 11pm? I’m still hot at 4pm you idiots (and probably more awake)
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
There’s really no good explanation when a friend sees a ruler sitting on the end table next to your bed.
When I die if anyone is all like, ‘She was so full of life,’ just know that it was mostly cheese that I was full of
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Felony is a beautiful name for a girl
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
NICE TO MEAT YOU, I scream as I throw slices of salami at strangers
Me: I’d never go to Australia. Everything there wants you dead.
Her: You should feel right at home then.
Me: 😐
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Ladies: The “silent treatment” is not a punishment. Try the “sit next to him and cry and or frown excessively treatment” instead.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
You can just give us the recipe, bloggers. We don’t need a 3,000 word dissertation about everything you’ve done in your life up until the point you put this food in the oven.
Local pub has a new special drink. The house lager infused with nitrous oxide. Yeah. They call it the Brew Haha.
I understand. It’s been nice knowing you.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.
Son: How does this end?
Me: Well, some people go to heaven, but others go to hell where they are tortured forever in a horrifying apocalyptic wasteland
Son: No this movie
Me: Shrek marries Fiona
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
My wife had the audacity to tell me she “Wanted a break” like she doesn’t already get 5 minutes every day. The psychopath.
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
A dog made of diamonds would be everyone’s best friend.
Kids: We’re bored!
Me: Why don’t you go play Uno and then fight when someone loses?
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’