So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
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[at the gym]
PERSONAL TRAINER: have you exercised at all in the past?
*flashbacks to holding my gut in for the past ten years*
ME: totes
I think with my tax refund this year I’ll buy a commercial freezer because the bodies keep falling out of the smaller ones and it scares the dog.
What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.
My boyfriend said he wanted me to wear my sexy undies when we went out!
Cop: just put your clothes back on, you’re scaring the people at poundland
A horror movie but it’s just a married couple trying to work from home and one of them is chewing
I use a wheelchair. When someone says to me, “I have a friend in a wheelchair,” I always want to say, “I have a lot of friends who walk.”
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
To all the “cougars” out there, shame on you for not calling yourselves “Thundercats” shame. on. you.
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
If I was a Disney princess I’d most likely be Tacobelle.
Thanks for reading.
I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
I need one of those carefree rich friends every woman has in a romance novel who is like “why don’t you stay at my mansion on the beach til this blows over, the bathtubs are legally swimming pools and the garden is magic.”
Thank you to all the people who gave their lives figuring out which mushrooms we can and can’t eat.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
I like my eggs like I like my nose: runny. Wait. That’s not right. I like my eggs like I like my tigers: poached. Huh? No! I like my eggs li
Little known trivia:
If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
HER: What’re you most afraid of?
ME: *thinking of how terrible it would be if my dog laid eggs that hatched into cats* Losing you, babe.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
Damn what did I do next
[dies, meets god]
explain Florida
Her: Did you just ask that woman out?
Me: Yes…
Her: And? What’d she say?
Me: Well, her lips said No but, her eyes said “Read My Lips.”
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
ME: We left the kids at their grandparents
FRIEND: Date night?
ME: No we just don’t like them anymore
Like a kite stuck in a tree, I too am stuck in a tree
That’s so nice of Activia to offer a money back guarantee. Am I supposed to send them pictures of myself not shitting?
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.