My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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H: where did you move after your divorce?
Me: On.
I moved on.
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
i don’t understand all these newfangled apps. like “phone”
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Hi, I joined a cult.
*got an air fryer
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
*maintains eye contact while checking ‘Dating Librarians For Dummies’ out from the library.
imagine if we could only post our deleted selfies in our dating app profiles. lol omg we’d all die alone.
medusa: look into my gaze
me:
dwayne johnson: did it do anything?
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
My kid was searching for her popsicle in her sleep and I’ve never felt closer to her
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
*arrives in hell*
*Hey Ya starts playing*
haha nice love this song
*song ends*
…
*Hey Ya starts playing*
wait no
Dance like your kid isn’t secretly making a TikTok to humiliate you.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
You know spaghetti is done when it leaves and takes the kids
[carrot slice falls on the floor]
Ah well I guess it’s in the trash with you[potato chip falls on the floor]
YOU THOUGHT YOU COULD ESCAPE.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If anyone ever saw me trying to zip up my jacket I’m pretty sure they’d make me repeat third grade.
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
COP: Tell me what you saw
ME: Jersey Boys
COP: *sighs* at the crime scene
ME: No, at the theatre
me: this haunted house is so scary
wife:
me: look at all the spooky witches
wife: we are in a house of mirrors
me: oh no they seem mad
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
I love you…
…r dog.
When I was young I was poor. But after decades of hard work, I’m no longer young.
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost