“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
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I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
*bites off stem and rolls apple into hospital lobby
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
I accidentally used my son’s body wash, now I hate jackets and just called my mom bruh
My wife made me pack my own bag for vacation and now I have to figure out how to wear potato chips.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
Latte is the most popular part of the pumpkin spice plant.
Not all relationships revolve around physical passion. Some of us are married.
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
“I’m so sorry about your grandma passing away. If there’s anything I can do, just name it.”
“How are your resurrecting skills?”
me at a restaurant
waiter: here’s ur cup 🙂
me: oh thank you
waiter: *puts down cup*
me: thank you
waiter: *fills cup up with water*
me: thank you
waiter: i’ll be back soon with your food
me: thank you
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
IF I HAD A NICKLE EVERY TIME A GOP OFFICIAL CALLED TRUMP’S BEHAVIOR “UNACCEPTABLE” BUT ACCEPTED HIM AS NOMINEE I COULD START A FAKE COLLEGE
Who called it intermittent fasting and not snackrificing
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
If anyone’s interested in torturing their enemies until they beg for the sweet release of death, I’d highly recommend my niece’s middle school production of The Little Mermaid.
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
The room goes silent as I demurely sing the first lines of “On My Own.” I take a deep breath before clutching the hand of the person standing in the next urinal.
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
When the stylist spins you back around
“We need something strong and durable to protect cellphones from damage”
LG: Plastic?
Samsung: Metal?
iPhone 8: What about Glass?
[1st day as police officer]
PARTNER: THAT CAR FLEW BY DOING 126 MPH! LET’S ROLL!
ME: Um, ok, but I literally JUST got this ice cream cone.
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
If there is any indication of how this day will go, I put my shirt on backwards this morning. No biggie, except the fact it’s a button down.
I’m off to a 3yr olds party. There’ll be tears, tantrums and throwing up on the carpet. But enough about me, Im sure the kids will have fun.
don’t have the heart to tell my third wife that Coconut by Harry Nilsson was also the first dance song at my first two weddings
I saw a bumper sticker that said “retired AF”
Not sure if he was Air Force, or just super retired