These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
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I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Doctor said if I have a vasectomy I wouldn’t have any kids, had the operation, got home, they’re still there
Fun Fact: If you lie down in an aisle at Walmart for a couple hours, they will tag you and put you in a clearance bin.
Don’t tell me how to lift my baby
Me: OH MY GOD I’M BLIND
Wife: *lifts up Burger King crown from covering my eyes*
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
My sons preschool class had to make a collage depicting family traditions. When asked about his family tradition my kid told his teachers it was “watching tv”
For a goddamn liar he really dropped the ball on this one.
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.
if dolly were in the holy bible she’d be in charge of parton the red seas.
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
Weighing myself:
“That can’t be right. Let’s do that again.”
“Okay, best of 3”
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
“We want to take our engagement photos here at the library.”
“That’s fun. Are there parts of the library that are especially meaningful to you?”
“Not really, we never use the library.”
“Then why take your pictures here?”
“We want people to think we’re people who use the library.”
Facebook: Look at my perfect life
Instagram: Validate me harder
Twitter: Does this look infected?
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
I might carry a baby with one hand.
Justin Bieber songs are much more enjoyable when you replace the word “girl” with “gerbil”.
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
Roses are red, I stole them from the neighbor’s garden.
~poetry
*Makes sure the new girl at work sees how much pineapple I eat at lunch*
*winks*
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
*removes turban to reveal an even more seductive turban*
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
*all the Avengers line up to face Thanos*
THANOS: who’s the purple guy
IRON MAN: that’s Hawkeye
THANOS: oh
THOR: he shoots arrows
THANOS: like magical ones?
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *pauses* just regular ones
THANOS: I see
HAWKEYE: you guys know I can hear you right
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face