So it’s not a good idea to shoot finger guns at a man that’s driving an armored truck. I know that now.
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I had to use first and middle names on my daughters today for overly rough play in the pool.
Ages 22 and 25. With 401ks. This never stops.
I don’t get marriage
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[after first date]
Him: I had a great time, I’d love to see you again
Her: Yes, we should do this again sometime but with other people
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
“I got a kitten and it scratches me a lot.”
-Lame
-basic
-victim mindset“I hired a tiny, freelance, in-house acupuncturist.”
-cool!
-impressive
-sounds wealthy
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
Me: Could we please have a cushion of time between Halloween and when the Christmas music starts playing?
All of retail: No.
Me: I lost 3 pounds!
Domino’s: I found them for you.
So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Spiders can live in my house until they get big enough where I feel compelled to find them before I fall asleep.
Now, everyone come help me find Carl.
It’s okay, baby. I cry when people try to change me too.
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I keep a notepad next to my bed so if I wake up with a great idea, I can write it down. Last night, I scribbled “fruit roll-ups,” and I’m not sure what it means, but I think I’m on to something brilliant.
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Blockbuster: 😭 yes
“Today’s special is a grilled Chilean sea bass with white wine reduction. We recommend Instagramming it with the 1977 or Apollo filters…”
“I just bought a kitchen stove, but you know, you can never have too many of those. I should buy one for every room in the house.” -how Amazon believes people think
“Annie are you ok?”
-yep
“Are you ok?”
-dude, I just said yes
“Are you ok Annie?”
-THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T HAVE ANY FRIENDS MICHAEL
“Doctor, how bad is it?”
“I mean, you’re just not a great singer. I don’t know why you needed a doctor to confirm for you, but there it is.”
Penguin 1: Let’s stay in tonight.
Penguin 2: I didn’t dress like this to stay home.
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices