And I spent so many nights
Growing hairier with mould
And now I’m old,
Past the date I should be sold
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Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
Unsolved Mysteries: We don’t know what happened, and now neither do you.
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
*writing a new season for Game of Thrones* okay now let’s do a silly one
I’m not super useful until I’ve had coffee, then I get jittery followed by a caffeine crash. At 11 I’m too hungry to think then I get post-lunch sleepies. By afternoon my brain is fried but for 25 minutes each day – I’m the best employee here and they’re lucky to have me.
I hate when someone finds out I read the same book they did and thinks we’re in some kind of a gang or something.
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
Why isn’t Missouri’s state motto “Missouri loves company” ???
[ouija board]
“helo??”
YOUR… SPIRIT…
“shh its working”
WILL… APPEAR…
“omg”
AFTER… THIS… AD…
“dude why didnt u pay for this ouija board??!”
ME: Why can’t I sleep?
CUP OF COFFEE FROM 4 PM: I’ve put together a list of everyone who might be mad at you.
incredibly disappointed to discover that these are two separate programs
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
i swear to god if the house of commons does not stop fighting i will turn this car around
dating tip #4: when meeting her brother for the 1st time make sure when he goes for the handshake u kiss him on the lips to assert dominance
I wish snacks could talk so they could verify my whereabouts from 1 am to 3 am this morning.
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
witch 1: i can’t find my broom
witch 2: that’s fine i can drive a stick
Wait, so hallways in mental institutions aren’t called psychopaths? Well they should be.
In the past 3 weeks, my trash has gone out more than I have.
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
Grandparents these days decide to be called things like Nana or Papa or Mimi but why stop there? I’m going to make my grandkids call me Bobcat.
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Been noticing lots of dogs in this part of the country that look just like my old dog
He’s a ladies man
What I said: it’s bedtime
What my kid heard: put on a Batman mask and check the hallways for crime
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.