Your honor, is it really “stealing a zoo animal” if the animal walked out on its own after I opened its cage and lured it into the parking lot with biscuits?
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Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Weather man said all you need today is sunglasses and sunscreen but I think I’ll put some clothes on too.
Raise your hand if you’d like to go back to more simple times when clowns were in the woods scaring us.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
I like to forget Instagram exists for weeks at a time then remember and send 83 chubby animal videos to my best friend.
Me: I have 7 things to tell you about your house. Number 4 may shock you.
Customer: You are the worst electrician ever.
Neighbor: hey, it looks like my trampoline got blown into your yard during the storm last night
Me: no, that’s mine
Neighbor: it’s definitely mine
Me: no, it was gifted to me by the sky gods
Neighbor: I’m taking it back
Me: ok, but the sky gods won’t be pleased about this
When I was little, I didn’t care what I wore. I just went along with what my parents chose.
When I look in old photo albums, l realize that they didn’t care either.
it’s Thanksgiving day. i’m carving a turkey. “ahem” i hear from across the house. it’s my old violin instructor. i sigh and then pick up the turkey, put it under my chin and continue an elegant sawing motion. she nods with approval.
If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.
Santa is always broke after Christmas.
That’s why he’s called St. Nickel-Less.
#Christmas #RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
5: I want to learn drums.
Me: Ok, but you have to walk them, feed them, and pick up their poop.
*confused, 5 walks away
I am the master.
“Can’t wait to see you this summer” they said
“I’m gonna miss you so much” they said
“Stop quoting me” they said
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
They say New Zealand has a sheep population of over 60 million
How did they stay awake to figure THAT one out?
Me: Gets something in eye
Brain: Quick stick your finger in there too
Rihanna was named the sexiest woman alive. Is it really necessary to specify “alive”? Are they worried someone will dig up bodies & compare?
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Keep your friend’s toast and your enemy’s toaster.
God: You’ll be cursed to travel the desert for 35 years
Moses: *slipping him $20* How about 30
[Later]
Moses: We must wander for 40 years
I’ve been teaching the orcas how to sink boats. Soon I will ride one into battle and take my rightful position as lord of the seas right after I learn how to open my eyes underwater
me watching a commercial of golf balls getting flushed down a toilet: “wow. There is still so much about this sport I don’t know”
boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
This trial is so absurd 😭
You (a simpleton): I hate the Hamburglar, he steals all the burgers
Me (went to business school): McDonald’s uses the myth of the Hamburglar to create an illusion of scarcity and increase the perceived value of its products
Financial Tip: When laundering money, always separate the bills from the coins and use the delicate cycle with a gentle detergent.
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
Police dogs are fine but we need a few crime dogs to even things up
Cain was the first to call out Abelism.