[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
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Fred realized too late that he should have bought a fresh sheet for his toga, when he walked into the black light party.
Unless you’ve studied Nazism at a Nazi university and you’ve read Mein Kampf (in German), your criticism of Nazism isn’t valid
-Nobody ever
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
Heard my kid say, “I’m sorry, but my mom doesn’t talk to strangers when she’s home unless girl scout cookies are involved” when he answered the front door, so obviously I have a favorite now.
Jesus: this is my body *breaks bread*
Jesus: this is my blood *pours wine*
Jesus: this your brain on drugs *throws a rabid weasel into the crowd*
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
The first guy who heard a parrot talk was probably not ok for several days.
Doc I keep throwing up
Did u eat anything odd lately
No
What about that bottle youre holding labelled “lizard juice”
You said eat, idiot
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
I wasn’t agreeing, I was nodding off.
I was talking to my son and he casually pulled a bag of chips out from under his pillow, and started eating without breaking eye contact
He living his best life
me: [to woman next to me] blow on it for luck
craps dealer: no soup at the table
What does a corpse and snow have in common? They are both cold and are hilarious to throw at unsuspecting children.
mother: I just threw up a little in my mouth
baby birds: yay! dinner time
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
Me: I’m not a morning person
Everyone: no shit
her: my fantasy is eating whipped cream off each other, what’s yours
JRR Tolkien: *big breath in*
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
This day in history. 1675. English king Charles II ordered that all coffee houses be closed because the populace was becoming alarmingly alert.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I accidentally texted my husband “last dinner” instead of “late dinner” and now he won’t come home
Nobody:
The Sun: I’m gonna make your underwear turn into a damp rolled up towel so you walk like you just rode a horse
Who called it a knock off designer watch and not a Fauxlex
like u make the diseases or are against them ?
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
COP: do you know why I pulled you over
ME: knock knock
COP: who’s there
ME: do you know why I pulled you over
COP: *begins to sweat* n..no
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.