I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
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Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
In Florida, a man on a beer run chased customers with an alligator under his arm. In a related story, there is a bill to change the Florida state flag to a guy buying beer with an alligator under his arm.
So then I said, “Spit on it first, then see if it’ll fit.”
…And that’s why my wife no longer allows me to help our son with puzzles.
It’s a beautiful day! The grill is going, I have a beer in my hand, the manager of this Walmart is yelling something wtf does he want
What is this special type of waffle called a “Tennis racket” and why does it taste like metal wires?
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
Someone asked me how much I normally spend on a bottle of wine.
Answering “usually an hour” wasn’t the right answer. I know this now.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
My dad just tried to lecture me about mountain weather conditions and what I should be packing for our five day hike. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CLIMBED A MOUNTAIN DAD? I’M 40 YEARS OLD AND I’LL PACK WHAT I WANT. YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME. GAWD.
*falls off log and dies
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
One little typo and Secret Santa becomes Secret Satan and nobody asks you to plan the Christmas gift exchange again.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
When 9 pisses off 7 then 7 flips him off with his ring finger. Then I laugh, 9 gets upset and I really shouldn’t be a parent.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
What’sApp
Me: Mom, what’s for dinner?
Mom : typing …*gets married*
*have kids*
*gets old*
*dies*
*goes to hell*Mom: Fish, honey!
My husband is mad at me because I’m finger quotes “condescending”.
Me: I pull a sword from my forehead
Nerd: Not realistic
M: so dungeons and dragons are real?
N: …
M: so, I pull a sword from my forehead
They call it “childbirth” lest we get confused and give birth to a full grown adult.
Me: people are going to body shame no matter the size so you may as well have some cake
Them: okay, ma’am, but you still can’t bring a sheet cake into the movie theater
hey i know we haven’t talked since high school but we’re celebrating our 10 year friendversary on facebook. what are u up to tonight lol
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
*therapist writes in pad*
Me: Sometimes I feel like people don’t notice me-
*therapist jumps*
Therapist: SHIT! HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN THERE?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
her: I like my men strong
me: *lifts-*
her: but sensitive
me: *-a puppy*
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Crazy to think that even after all of these years the Titanic’s pool still has water in it.
She: 5 mins babe
He: Ok*discovers a new planet*
*travels to it*
*discovers life*
*returns back*He: Ready?
She: 5 mins babe