I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I once left the house without using the bathroom first.
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If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
ME: I’m a creep. I’m a weirdo. What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here.
GUY: I love that song.
ME: What song?
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Cats mostly follow you into the bathroom to judge your technique.
Did I sled down the hill? You bet I did.
I paid for for the sled.
The kids weren’t doing it right.
And it was my turn.
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
My welcome mat says, “Oh shit! Not you again!”
United States: There’s 5280 feet in one mile.
Rest of the World: What even is that?
United States: Lol, we made it up.
[Standing still for a picture]
I guess you can say I’m *turns around for a second and the camera goes off* not good at posing for pictures.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
I just learned to use Instagram, so you guys can all rest assured that it is officially no longer cool.
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
It’s wasteful to have a new Doctor Who, a new James Bond, and a new Willy Wonka. They should be amalgamated into a single character called Doctor Bwonka.
can’t stop thinking about people that first ate mushrooms they found and just had to go through trial and error of like, this one tastes like beef, this one killed Brian immediately and this one makes you see God for a week
Should I be suspicious if my wife sends me to pick up something she bought on Craig’s List just a week after we updated our life insurance?
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Me: *giggling* no, I love you more.
Him: who are you and how did you get inside my house?
2008: Busy, trying to balance work and home life.
2018: Busy watching a video of a lemon rolling down the street.
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
Our society makes women ashamed and unhappy with their bodies. I, for one, have always been disappointed by the lack of cupholders on mine.
Dietician: You are allowed one deviation per week, see you next week
Next week, me, *deviates from the route to the dietician’s office*
Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
People think that as your kids get older you have more freedom but if that were true I wouldn’t be standing in the kitchen eating this chocolate bar out of an empty banana peel
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Praying mantis walks up to his buddies with no head,
“Guess who got laid last night?”
Welcome to parenthood. You now see every movie six years after it came out. Except for Disney movies. You see all of those immediately and on repeat.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”