I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
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Just googled “unsolved murders in my area” because I have some extra time and someone has to solve these cases.
Plucked an unruly wiry white hair from my head and then missed it instantly 😔
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Going down to the shelter today to adopt a rotisserie chicken
When I tell my kids I’ll do something in a minute, what I’m really saying is, “Please forget.”
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
Can scientists please stop calculating pi to a million decimal places and instead get working on an instant hangover cure.
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
MOTHRA: try this, its crunchy & juicy
GODZILA: i cant, im on a…low-car diet
MOTHRA: o ha ha like low-carb
GODZILA: ha ha
HUMANS IN CAR: AHHH
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
[Gets on one knee]
Margaret-
[Pulls out ring]
Will you- will you please hide this, Gollum won’t stop following me.
ME: Would you ever get a tattoo?
DAD: I don’t even highlight in books
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
Welcome to Gullible Victim Club.
Lol. I can’t believe you showed up. Now gimme your purse or I’ll stab you.
My college kid makes a Hot Pocket nearly everyday, and still reads the directions every time he cooks one.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
*I look into abyss*
*Abyss looks at me*
*Abyss blinking message in Morse code*
*I go off to learn Morse*
*I return*
“Why do we park in a dri
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
He said he likes curvy women and what my man wants, my man gets
*eats 14th Oreo cookie*
I told my daughter her friend couldn’t come over today bc her Mom is a psycho, and she was on FaceTime with her friend.
Whenever I hear a helicopter I say “gotta go- there’s my ride!”
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
thinking about ignoring daily mess by creating new holiday decor mess
[at punchbowl]
Me: You go ahead.
Lady: No, I insist.
Me: Together, then?
*we both pour vodka from our purses in*
Baby Geese are called Goslings and baby Vampires are called Gothlings.
do I have to register a drone if I only plan to use it to see where I left a cup of water without getting out of bed?
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.