“Sorry, boss. I can’t come in today.”
“Why not?”
[fakes a sore throat]
“I’m in jail for vehicular manslaughter.”
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If they served grilled cheese sandwiches at communion, I’d go to church more often.
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
19: ‘Um, is it weird that the milk just backed away when I reached for it?’
Me: ‘It’s fine.’
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Doctor: You have to stop eating donuts…
Me: OK
D:…so that I can start the operation.
M: [STUFFING DONUT UNDER OXYGEN MASK] For later.
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Me, December 2016: I’m going to buy this juicer and lose some weight in January
Me, January 2017: I have eaten the juicer
Me: I could tell you, but I’d have to-
Him: Kill me? hahaha
Me: No, talk to you. And I don’t wanna do that.
me: wanna hear a joke about $1,000
her: sure
me: k
I just found a spot so sticky on my kitchen floor that it actually pulled my sock off my foot….so yeah living with children is a delight.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
superhero movie: this already insanely hot person discovers they have numerous additional gifts
me: this is relatable as hell
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW
Shit gets real with the whole “I-hid-something-from-my-kid-and-now-I-can’t-find-it-either” game when the thing you hid is your iPad.
The only way an adult coloring book could help calm my stress is if it was somehow edible.
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
the guy at Subway just put Cheetos on my sandwich. can’t tell if he’s stoned, or he knows that I am
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My daughter invented a game she calls “cellphone.” I have to pretend to be a stranger, while she plays herself and just tells me about her life. For hours. She enjoys this game considerably more than I do.
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
My wife is integrating herself back into life after recovering from surgery the past 2 months. The kids now keep telling her “well dad doesn’t do it that way, he does…” About everything. So it’s going well. This couch is perfectly comfortable too.
My superpower is the ability to take on the shape of whatever food I eat.
For example if I eat potato chips, I take on the shape of a potato.
[laying on top of me]
4: I love you mommy; you’re my couch.
Just got kicked out of Walmart for having a concealed belly button.
Just how hairy was the person who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?
[ english class ]
me: this is useless, i’m outta here
*20 years later*
judge: please rise for your sentence
me: my what
Obviously if someone’s in your trunk, the carpool lane is an option.
The final dance in Dirty Dancing, but they’re dancing to The Muppet Show theme tune.