Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
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Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Oranges got their name from their orange juice-like flavor and orange juice-like color.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Lord I was born a ramblin’ man.
You can tell by my endless and pointless tweets.
Whenever my kid’s teacher asks how I’m doing, I always want to reply, “Why? What did my kid tell you?”
Parenting talk translated.
“Come on you’re very tired, you need to get to bed.”
Actually means:
“Come on, I’m very tired, you need to get to bed.”
One of my favorite things about kids is that you only have to feed them once a week
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.
Parents please check your children’s Halloween candy this year, I just found a Godzilla in a candy bar and this is just so dangerous.
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
if you text me “we need to talk” i’m gonna reply “yes we do” now we both stressed
Couldn’t finish the London Marathon. Gutted. Tried my absolute best. Just too tired. Maybe I’ll manage it next year.
Have put a film on instead.
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
[giving grandmother’s eulogy]
But on the plus side, that’s the fastest she ever got down the stairs.
My kids: *arguing* MOM WHO IS YOUR FAVORITE KID
Me: Connor
Kids: The boy next door?
Me: Yep
Kids: We meant out of us
Me: Still Connor
Do you ever look at someone and think “god, you’re so amazing” I mean even when they’re sleeping and you’re hidden in their closet…
Me, scrolling to find my birth year
I was looking at my phone and tripped over the dog and we’re both laying in the floor looking at my phone.
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
[office meeting]
BOSS: Printer ink is costing us a ton. Any ideas on how to cut costs?
SQUID: *looks up from phone* Why y’all lookin’ at me?
For Mother’s Day I want the same thing I ask for every year: to have my kids, who I love more than anything in the world, be someone else’s problem for a few hours.
Woman came up to me in Target & whispered, “You have toilet paper hanging out of your shorts.”
I said, “Well don’t you have nerve. No one EVER bothers me about my tail at the WalMart.”
Inside you are two wolves. Inside each of them? You guessed it: two more wolves. Are there two wolves inside each of those two wolves? You better believe there are. You are a wolf pyramid scheme, my friend.